Hello.

I have found myself yet again in a very strange situation. I have to study chemistry now, its 9:20 pm. I wont sleep. She doesn't sleep. I keep thinking, my mind will not allow me to let go of this aching feeling in my chest. I am in love. This time i think it is real. That makes it all the more difficult. I am so terrified of being hurt again that i feel like I'm systematically ruining my new found love. I will try to shake this feeling. I feel like I've always been lonely. Like i was predisposed to be lonely. It was always in the cards for me. I'm going to drink another coffee and try to remedy my sorrows. I have always felt out of control in all aspects of my life. I am going to study pharmacy, something i am not even sure i want to do. i just always knew that is what is what i was going to do with my life. no thoughts, i just decided one day and never questioned it again. My bones feel strange. I feel marooned in this body. I feel ugly constantly, this ugly consumes me from the inside to the outside. i often find myself being incredibly rude, i say things and i feel the words fall from my mouth and all i wish to do is grab them and put them back in. but i can't. I am in love. I am self destructive, now doesn't that combination sound like a whole lot of fun? He see's my disgusted face as he leans in to kiss me, my awkward hand pulling away from his, my sighs. He does not know that all of that disgust is directed towards myself. I find myself so repulsive that i pity him for having to hold me. I hate myself. I have no control over my hair or face, my ugly fat body and all the stupid things that come out of my mouth. I have no control. I try to take control over people i perceive as weaker than me. i am a bad person. i need to study, but i cant right now. my hands are so cold. I'm so cold. I want a change. I am too weak to starve myself but i will try. i need change. i hate this body. i hate this body so much i want to throw myself across my room. i feel depressed tonight. actually, i don't know how to describe this feeling. i'm happy and i'm sad at the same time. im going to make another coffee. i cant sleep. im so ugly, im so ugly. i was born waiting for change. just one something. 

All of this turbulence wasn't forecasted, apologies from the intercom.

Goodbye.